I randomly needed a cooler while traveling. So I bought one.
And then I realized that I needed to decorate it. So I did.
"you are the bouncers, I am the cooler."
ASP can be Active Server Page. At least that's the definition with which I'm most familiar. It's about how web pages are controlled and rendered in your web browser.
My take lately is Asymmetrical Sensitivity Profile.
A person with an Asymmetrical Sensitivity Profile can present themselves as really blunt and harsh and critical towards nearly everyone around them, but if that person has one hint of a word said to them about anything that is in the slightest way direct, or against their opinion, or slightly coaching, or emotionally unexpected, they will treat you like The Beast himself who has come to rip their soul from their bodies. In their eyes, you will be the biggest POS on the face of the earth. And for that matter the most evil person in existence in the universe.
e.g. someone shares an idea in a group setting, and the Mr. Asshole in the group says to them "that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard in my life." And he doesn't think twice about it. But if someone tells Mr. Asshole that his idea doesn't really fit within the scope of the project at the moment, then he'll think to himself, "You are a prick and you're trying to sabotage my career. I can’t wait to stab you in the back you freakin' moron."
Have you ever told someone something innocuous like "you have some ketchup right there" (pointing to your own chin), then they react with a sour look on their face? Like they are thinking "what the fuck, man? I can't have a little ketchup on my face while I'm enjoying my fucking fries? Why do you have to be so fucking annoying?!"
One time I told a guy who came by my cube that he had something on his face. It looked like a dab of lotion. I couldn't help myself because it was so obvious and I didn't want him to walk around too much longer with it. I wasn't laughing at him. I wasn't actively clowning on him for having it on his face. I simply stated a fact in about as dry and nice way as I could. But maybe I unintentionally sounded like an asshole???. He promptly simultaneously turned around, brushed off the piece of tissue and left. He abandoned whatever conversation he was about to start with me. It felt like he was mumbling "Damn you Dae. Why the hell you gotta be like that?"
I tried to think about it from his point of view. Maybe it was that he was too embarrassed or something. But what's crazy is that he was one of the most brash and confident dudes in the office. He would not have any reason to be embarrassed around a lowly engineer like me. He walked away and I went back to work and to this very day I have no idea what was going through his head.
There is that very popular TV show called Survivor. There will inevitably be some players who are really good at the game who you don't like. And there will be others who don't play the politics very well who you do like. Their likability plays a factor in their ability to survive, but it is not the sole factor by any means.
Even though I might not like a good player, there is a certain level of respect I will give them. And that's the way it sometimes works in Corporate America. Layoffs, rightsizing, downsizing, mergers+acquisitions, the profit motivation, and maximization of shareholder value have made it so that many companies are the same Survivor Islands. And all the players are the employees who are fighting for their survival. Information hoarding, treachery, lying, and backstabbing are traits you need on the TV Survivor Islands and the Corporate Islands.
So while I do respect the players who survive, I don't have to like them.
<originally drafted May 2016. very late to publish.>
This is GREAT packaging.
No stupid packing peanuts.
No rattling around inside the box.
No product packaging getting mangled inside from bouncing around inside the shipping container.
I don't think I get too effusive about "silly" consumer products very often, but DAMN I love my popsockets!!
You might be wondering, WTF is that?
I carry two phones. One for my day job and one is my personal phone. Some people hate dual-phoning. I didn’t know what I was going to think of it. After trying it out now for over a year I have determined that I LIKE IT. It’s like having double battery life. The most ironic/tragic part is that even with double battery life, I still have to charge BOTH DAMN PHONES multiple times a day in order to make it to bed time. It’s pathetic. One of these days I'll write up all the thoughts I have about how pathetic smartphone battery life is.
Anyway, it’s been over a year. Being a typical guy, I’ve been carrying the phones in my front pockets. Yes, it’s sort of a PITA (Pain In The Ass), but for me, the advantages outweigh the PITA part. Recently, I’ve decided to stop carrying the phones in my pockets. I try to set them in the passenger seat, or generally away from my pelvis as much as possible. It is because I’ve been obsessing about the far-fetched notion that I’ve created a VORTEX OF SEMINAL CARNAGE (VSC).
Here’s how I came up with it. I don’t know exactly how the radio energy comes out of the phones. But if the radio waves from each phone emit from the antennas in basically a omni-directional way, where the phone is at the center and you can imagine circular waves of sinusoidal patterns transmitting in three dimensions, then it would look like kids blowing bubbles where the bubbles get bigger and bigger and bigger until they pop. Except with these radio waves, the bubbles don’t pop. They just go and go and go and dissipate until all the power is absorbed or naturally gone.
So then with two phones bilaterally surrounding my testicles, now you see the VORTEX OF SPERMATOZOAN DEATH (VSD) right at the center where the arrow is pointing. It is where the energy waves from both phones would intersect and overlap each other. All I can think is that my poor little microscopic seeds won't stand much of a chance being nuked from both sides.
I will still be a dual-phoner, but I won’t carry both phones in my pockets if I can help it.
I’ll carry them in murse.
When I'm faced with a network issue at home, I start with the fundamentals. I like to start with what I call "number zero". Because counting doesn't start at one. It starts at nothing. (Yes, I realize that the OSI Model starts at layer 1, but humor me for a moment.)
0.0 is it on? Is there power?
0.1 are all the plugs connected?
0.2 are all the activity lights blinking?
0.3 try rebooting one device at a time.
The whole exercise of troubleshooting is all about isolating the cause of the problem. You can't figure out what is truly going on if you eliminate multiples variables at the same time. For example, if you have an engine problem, you can replace the entire engine and it will probably fix your issue. But no one replaces an entire engine. They figure out if it's a dead battery. Then recharge the battery or replace it. If that fixes the issue only temporarily, then you work backwards and figure out if the alternator is working. If it isn't, then replace it and see if your engine problems are cured. It takes time and it takes reasonable, analytical thinking to go through one component at a time in a given system. You have to know what you're doing.
When I think about our environment and all the arguing and debate about whether the existence of humans and our carbon-emitting vehicles and lifestyles of consumption contributes to the problem of climate change, I think about what single variable we can isolate at a time. Some possible choices are:
* internal combustion engines
* plant life (forests, vegetation, etc)
* fossil fuels
Eliminate the existence of each, one at a time and figure out if it improves the situation of climate change. It's really simple. (Simple doesn't mean it's easy.)
Well, none of those are viable to isolate in any reasonable time frame. Then the debate goes back to one semi-viable option: reduce the consumption of fossil fuels. And then one side says "No. No! No!! It won't work. You're wrong. It's a stupid idea."
But the alternative is to stay on the course we are on without any other variables to isolate. We can always re-instate the use of fossil fuels. That's easy. Rather than having a negative response, how about trying it out and seeing what happens? I bet the side that wants to eliminate the use of fossil fuels won't be mad if they turn out to be wrong. They will just have to figure out what the next variable is to isolate.
According to the article below, we're pretty much fucked.
One day we won't have any other choice but to swap our planet for another one.
Elon and many others think Mars is the only choice.
I wish I could be around in a thousand years to see what we end up doing.
Lately I haven't been able to get the idea of wasting money by idling a car engine out of my head.
We got a car recently where the owners manual explicitly says "Don't idle the engine to warm it up. It doesn't need it. When you turn on your car, start driving immediately." I was very pleasantly surprised!
It goes against ALL the learning I have ever received about warming up car engines. So now I don't start the car unless I am fully, completely 100% ready to start driving immediately.
Being that men and women are different, an article I read a while back said that for some reason, women tend to sit in their cars and idle the engine more than men. So I've been gathering my own empirical data to see if it's true. It's inconclusive at this point.
Then I started thinking about the hundreds of millions of cars in the world that sit idling for one reason or another. Seems like if we could all learn not to idle car engines, then that would go a lot farther in the extreme short term to:
1. waste less money buying gas
2. not put extra wear and tear on your car engine
3. reduce your personal CO2 emissions into the world
4. contribute to saving the world by doing almost nothing
Seems like a good deal to me.
And then today I saw this article that further qualifies my rambling thoughts in a more professional journalistic way:
Yes. I am the one guy in the world who reads the owners manual for an automobile. It's shocking what you can learn about your car from it.
Before mid-life I used to think “how could he allow himself to become an alcoholic.”
After my mid-life started I think “how can anyone NOT plunge themselves into abject alcoholism.”
I don't know why I never considered the current situation I am in as possible.
At mid-life, I am in full recognition of a significant lifestyle change. I'm pretty sure its all the fault of my new kid. But of course he's wonderful and amazing and so worth it :\
Before, I had more time than money. I would sacrifice time in favor of saving money.
In other words, I tended to be very frugal. If I could save money by taking longer, then I took longer.
Now, I have more money than time. Old habits are hard to break though. I have to sacrifice money in favor of gaining more time.
"every man dies. not every man truly lives" goes the saying.
Today is a great day for phishing.
But then again, every day is a great day for phishing for the typical cyber criminal.
A pair of words from my father I used to hear (more often than any other guidance) was "safety first." In most endeavors of sending me off into the world for education, adventure, travel, or the unknown, I heard those words. Little did I know as a child, or teenager, or young adult that those two words would ring so true in my personal and professional online life. I find myself saying the same words to my 1.5yr old son too. You could say I'm trying the mantra on for size. It seems to fit well.
I am late to write about the annual Father's Day event from this past Sunday, but the image of the email I got today is a prime example of "online safety first." The internet wasn't built with a heavy emphasis on security and privacy. We have to do extra work to use third party tools and services and encryption to make us operationally more secure in the internet-dominated world as it is today.
To all my technical brethren out there: safety first!
To my dad, whose family fled North Korea when he was a child seeking safety, who as a husband/father immigrated to the United States seeking opportunity for himself and his children, I give my undying love and deepest admiration of your bravery.
Five quick ideas you can explore for more privacy, more security:
Tenta Browser (created and founded by my good friends Jesse and Jen)
Comcast DDoS Protection for your Enterprise (as part of my day job)
Learn about blockchain technology and its built-in feature of pseudonymity
Consider a new BlackBerry KeyOne that integrates Android and the legendary security capabilities of BlackBerry (aka Research in Motion)
Read as much as humanly possible, educate yourself, trust your gut. Be suspicious of any email that asks you to login with a provided hyperlink. ALWAYS mouse-over the hyperlink to see where it goes, like I did in the above image. 99% of the time, you don't want to click on it.
After reading (still in the middle of it) Creativity, Inc., I’ve come to dislike the word “honest” even more.
When people who are trying to persuade someone and they use the filler of "I"ll be honest with you, blah, blah, blah..."
I hate that.
From the article in the hyperlink above:
“It's also a way to be honest and supportive, two traits one top Silicon Valley CEO coach says are crucial to running a great team."
A better word to use is candor. Being candid means people can be honest without all the underlying morality issues.
The article doesn’t address what exactly happens when they disagree and also don’t want to commit. I suppose the idea dies, or hibernates until a different decision maker comes into the picture. But then of course you might have some underlying resentment and frustration build up in the person whose idea was crushed.
I haven't done an #FTTF post in quite a while. It's been since last May!
But it's for a great cause. It's all in the name of privacy, encryption, and security. And best of all, a couple of my favorite people founded the company. I hope to be trying out the browser soon on my new #blackberry #KEYone. That's right. A new blackberry WITH A FULL KEYBOARD is coming out next month. And it also gives me a chance to use an app from CakeCodes (full disclosure: I am an investor) that is only available on Android.
These t-shirts are high quality 100% cotton. The medium fits me very well. You can always tell a t-shirt is nice by checking the tag. These are "District Made" with some very nice satin nylon tags. I haven't heard of District Made, but the satin tag is what really gives it away.
To the Tenta team: well done on the selection of it!
Example number one of thinking to yourself:
Where did that email go? Oh, here it is. No. It doesn't have that attachment I need. That's not the right email. Where the heck did it go? Did I file it somewhere? Maybe I detached that file to save email server quota. But then I know I saved the file someplace. Now I have to look through all the files on my hard drive...
Example number two between two information workers:
"I don't see it."
"What? I just sent it to you yesterday."
"I'm looking at all the emails you sent me in the last five days and I don't see an email with an attachment."
"Maybe I sent it through our Instant Messenger session."
"Okay, let me check the conversation history."
"And while you do that I'll go ahead and email it again."
"No, no, don't do that. Let me look first. Give me a chance to find it."
"Find it yet?"
"Hold on. Gimme another minute."
"Ok, so I got the file and I can send it again when you're ready."
"Fine. Go ahead and send it again. I SWEAR I saw it. I KNOW I saw it. Where the hell did it go?"
"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal."
"No, it is a big deal because I feel like I'm going crazy. Why does this happen all the time?"
"I don't care. Let's hurry up and finish. We already wasted enough time."
((( A week later... a bug was discovered. IT sent out a company-wide notification. The bug happen to randomly delete emails with suspicious attachments that were perfectly FINE. )))
There is actually a clinical diagnosis for this kind of hellish world. There was even an old movie based on it. And then the term from the movie became the clinical diagnosis. It's called gas lighting. It's a very effective way of driving someone insane. And that's what computers do to information workers every day! Yay!
P.S. And yes, an evil manager can do the same shit to an undesirable employee. It's super evil behavior. Just like your computer and its faulty software, you don't want a manager like that.
I haven't done a big detailed food post in a while, so here goes.
it's a very nice, wide open store that is well lit in the middle of the day. i got there around 12:45pm and you would expect that the place would be packed with lunchers, but it wasn't. and the parking lot was really easy to park in.
if you park directly across the street from the restaurant, and you don't want to walk to one far intersection or another, then you will choose to jay walk to go straight in. when i was sitting eating my LCB (little cheese burger), i saw a few people do the same as i did: jay walk. after you chicken run across the street, then you walk up across a grassy incline to the front door. if there was more foot traffic from the parking lot jay walking, then there would probably be a dead path of grass that they would have to stone over to keep it looking pretty.
I think the shopping center needs to do some extra marketing or something special to get more people in through here. Maybe the 'hood had a bad reputation or something. I don't know. Maybe it's because it was a Monday. I don't know, but it seemed like it should be more busy.
for me, the LCB, as they call it, is the perfect amount of beef. i don't need too much because ground beef is so rich and fatty. you think having more beef is good, but it will probably just kill you faster. anyways, i finally noticed today that they toast the buns. and that reminded me of In-n-Out. For me, In-n-Out is the gold standard for really good fast food burgers. It seems like these guys basically did their non-Christian version of In-n-Out and have done a great job. lightly toasted burger buns are so damn good!
the peanut deal is unique. but i'm not so into that.
it's $6.45 for an LCB. whether you get it all the way, or plain, it's $6.45. to me, for a fast food place, it's a bit expensive. but i get it. they have a unique brand, they have very, very specific decor, the vibe is good - they were playing Beck's 'Devil's Haircut' while i was munching on my burger. but i am pretty sure that according to fast food standards, $6.45 for just the burger is a bit high. it's okay though, i like it. I just need to remember to not get the pickles on the 'all they way LCB'.
here's the last observation. the little light wood colored chairs sit really low to the tables. i have no idea why it's like that. the tables look like they are the normal height. all i know is, i usually sit pretty high (if i sit up straight) to the table. but in this case, even if I sat up straight as a stick, i still felt like i had to struggle to get my elbows on the table. maybe they want your face to be as close to the table as possible so that when your pigging out on your burger there will be less chance that the burger bits will fly onto the floor. of course it could be just dumb luck that the tables and chairs are like that.
the burger is good though. i really like the cajun seasoning you can get on the fries, but the last time i tried them, they were a bit too soggy. it might be a product of the fact that the potatoes are fresh. like In-n-Out. i find that In-n-Out fries tend to be a little too soggy for me too. but that doesn't stop me from eating a lot of them.
It's always going to be interesting when the first-time-dad is left to provide childcare. I was given instructions to "make him happy."
And it made me realize that maybe Sebby really isn't capable at 13 months of age to make himself happy. There are extremely short glimmers of it every once in a while when he is playing by himself. And it misleads me. But he pretty much he has to rely on his caregiver for happiness and enjoyment.
It's crazy how that skill is foundational for a human.
You MUST be able to make yourself happy.
Somehow, someway, you have to figure it out for yourself. You sure as hell didn't get asked to be brought into this world, but you're stuck now. It's my responsibility to do the best I can to teach you how to make the best of it. I can give you some tools. But somehow you have to figure out how to make yourself happy without a dependency of something or someone else. Do it and you will have, by my calculations, about 51% of your short existence figured out.
So I'm trying and wanting to use a certain web site and it's another site that is asking me for my userid+password for a one-time authentication. While I can appreciate the high level of security the site wants to impose on it's users due to the risk of fraud by bad actors, it reminds me of the three most important rules for a brick+mortar retail store:
So the three most important rules for passwords are:
1. Never give out your password.
2. Never give out your password.
3. Never give out your password.
It still astonishes me that in 2017 there are Information Technology departments in companies who ask their users for their passwords to do troubleshooting.
It's like one friend of mine said "it's junk food for your brain."
And it's totally true. Don't get me wrong. i LOVE junk food. potato chips, doughnuts, cheetos, soda, tortilla chips, popcorn, dark chocolate kit kat, ice cream, kettle style potato chips... the goes on and on.
And it's coincidental that I have had to seriously cut back on my consumption of junk food because my metabolism has finally hit a wall. My mid-life tragedy is almost complete. So I have had to also cut back on my consumption of this one really bad brain junk food too: facebook.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't totally 100% taken facebook junk food out of my diet yet, but it's been seriously curtailed. And yes, I love my seeing my friends and family too. But there are limits to everything in life.
I've been running some self-experimentation, in the style of Tim Ferriss to figure out what works for me. And ever since Nov. 8, 2016, I have found that participating in facebook, especially on mobile, is not healthy for my brain. Along with making me impatient and angry, when I am on it, I want more of it. Like a casino and its slot machines that practice variable ratio reinforcement on you, if I don't see a post that entertains or informs me, then I look for another. After the satisfaction of consumed, it, I seek more. And so on and so forth.
I also realized that I also continued to think of fun, clever, and entertaining or informative posts to share. It felt like I was in a self-contained coopetition with my friends for fun, clever, informative, and entertaining shit to share. So not only was I wasting my time consuming brain junk food with variable ratio reinforcement, but I was also contributing to the consumption of it by others. In my spare brain cycles, I would constantly be thinking of taking this picture or that picture and making a joke or sarcastic comment. AND YES, while very fun and engaging with my friends, it was a hamster wheel. It didn't help me to earn more money, it didn't help me to be better at my day job, it didn't help me be a better husband or father, it didn't help me get more accomplished in my nights and weekends jobs, and it didn't make by body more healthy.
I am happy to report that for me, I am back to reading great books, and listening to very short snippets of national and local news to keep me informed about what is going on and I FEEL and THINK more clearly now. CLARITY. I am more focused on an exciting possible new side business venture involving bitcoin too. FOCUS. Just like the song goes, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone." I don't allow myself to facebook on a mobile device. DISCIPLINE.
I will not participate in a drone-like existence to further the maniacal efforts of The Zuck to take over every aspect of the online world, to mine what I do, to sell my information, and to profit while not making the world a better place. Here is an interesting critique of his manifesto.
Anyways, if you read this far, then thanks for making it. Hope to see you IRL soon.
"You're unique and special and there is no one else in the world like you."
"If you're one in a million, then in China, there are at least a thousand of you."
It's official. I am not the only "Dae Yu" who has a presence in the interwebs.
Dae, I'd like to introduce you to Dae. Be kind to yourself.
I know at least one commonality between us: We both love cars.
How well do you know yourself?
If a manager comes to you and says "Thanks for the work you did on that project. I really appreciate it. I have some ideas for the next project we can talk about that might help improve the finished product for the next customer."
Versus a manager who comes you and says "That sucked. I think the customer was BARELY satisfied and that means I was NOT HAPPY at all with your work. The customer needs to be extremely satisfied at all times. You have A LOT of work to do if you're going to do better on the next project."
Then which manager do you think you would want to have?
Statistically speaking (with a significantly large sample size), one approach does tend to do a better job of "managing", aka "coaching". And so a manager can either play the numbers and go with what is proven to work better, but the more effective (and much, much harder) approach is to customize the message the manager deems appropriate for the recipient. If you’re bad a reading people, then your coaching success rate could end up being horrible.
And going back to the original question. Do you really know yourself well enough to truly know which type of feedback works the best with you?
My bet is you don't. And that's what makes it all so difficult, and challenging, and cathartic, and rewarding in the end.
I was inspired to tweet after listening to this Corner Office interview of Peter Kim.
marketplace.org with Kai Ryssdal
hi1 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: i really enjoyed it. but you missed one question for him. cc @RadioBabe
hi2 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: what kind of premium denim will you make in the internment camps in Montana? cc @RadioBabe
hi3 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: will U.S. citizens of NK heritage be allowed due process... @RadioBabe
hi4 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: ...before the internment camps if we actively continue war with NK? cc @RadioBabe
hi5 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: during Obama ppl bought guns like crazy b4 laws that might take them away got passed cc @RadioBabe
hi6 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: after Obama maybe ppl will buy guns like crazy to defend themselves from government cc @RadioBabe
hi7 @kairyssdal for Peter Kim interview: endgame is that it's ALWAYS good to be arms+ammo manufacturer cc @RadioBabe #tonystark
I am @LuggageDonkey #140characterHELL
It's complex days with complex messages.
How to make sense of it?
Maybe it's best not to.
Time to move on.
Sort of like a lot of lessons in life that no one can or usually will teach you, here are a string of thoughts and facts that no one ever told me. I learned it in real time. The hard way.
It is scientifically proven that interrupted and lack of sleep will cause clinical depression. It is also, IMHO probably one of the most effective torture methods. Forget waterboarding. That’s just a total waste of water. It’s too much drama too. Don’t let your victim sleep at all. Interrupted sleep. No sleep. Off-cycle sleep. Do it all. It’s cheap and extremely effective. And you can do a lot of it without having to touch your victim.
When you have a new baby in your family, and if you are a caregiver to the child, you will not be given a chance to sleep normally for a few years. Maybe several years if you have more than one child. If the child has health issues, then you are much more likely not to get good sleep. You will be clinically depressed. Until you can reliably sleep soundly at night on a regular basis, you will be depressed. There is no way around it. Add the day-to-day grown-up stresses of life like keeping your job, paying your bills, keeping your spousal relationship happy, keeping your business up and running, saving for retirement, and living life with your extended family and in-laws; and you’ve got a very, very full plate. Those issues alone can keep a grown-up up at night, unable to sleep due to the stress of it all.
I’m in the middle of it right now. I don’t know when we’ll get out of it. As a new first-time grandpa dad at 45 I keep thinking of that joke about video games:
You play modern day video games until you finish them. In old school video games, you just kept going again and again and again on the same boards and challenges over and over and it got harder and harder and harder. Until all your men died and it was GAME OVER. Just like life.
Hello world, Mark Zuckerberg here. I wanted to personally thank you for making Facebook what it is today. The holidays are right around the corner and without your daily active use of the site, we wouldn’t have gotten to where we are today. So I am very thankful this year. There are about 1.8 BILLION daily active users of Facebook these days! I can hardly believe it.
Oh, by the way, in case you don’t know who I am, I am one of the co-founders of Facebook. I am one of the many people who have made BILLIONS OF DOLLARS by giving you free and unlimited access to Facebook. In November 2016, Google search will tell you I am worth $52B. That’s not a typo. That means I could spend $1,000,000 a day for the rest of my life, and if I live to be 100yrs old, I would still have over $27B left in my checking account. ($27.18B to be exact, but who’s counting?)
Now there has been some criticism lately of the so-called “fake news” that has been all over Facebook and the Internet. I want to be perfectly clear, it’s not exactly fake news. It’s actually completely totally fraudulent news that evil people looking for profits have created. And Facebook and Internet users, (aka suckers - that’s you guys) have fallen for it, over and over and over again. You guys get tricked into reading, sharing, and believing stupid shit ALL THE TIME. Some blame Facebook for not filtering out the fraudulent misleading news reports and I wanted to give my full, careful, and detailed response to the critics.
Here it is:
Who gives a shit! GFY. I got $52,000,000,000 in the bank, yo! Why would I give a shit about fraudulent news that is misleading people and causing them to get angry, and making the world more divisive and shitty when I got $52,000,000,000 in the bank, bitches? I AM A FIFTY-TWO BILLIONAIRE, YO. That means the normal rules don’t apply to me. Through my unlimited resources, I have more money than most countries in the world. And it’s all thanks to the virulent, addictive, unreasonable, and constant proliferation of whatever “news" is spread via the internet and through Facebook.
But just so you know, for public relations, I am putting on an appearance of doing something to make Facebook better in light of recent criticisms. I want to introduce you to my crackerjack team of security and fraud engineers in this top secret room. They are actively working to semi-mitigate the fraudulent news appearing on Facebook. Here is Dillhole. Say hi Dillhole.
“So Dillhole, what are you working on today?"
"I’m playing Farmville!"
Because you know what that means? It means I’m making mo’ money, mo’ money!, mo’ money from this Dillhole while he’s playing Farmville on Facebook. God, I love America! What I have co-founded is BETTER than Las Vegas if you could ever believe it. But instead of millions of people who go to Vegas every year who don’t know how to do math, there are BILLIONS of people who are born every day who don’t know how to exercise good judgement and think critically, and don’t know how to stop using Facebook - and you know what that means? I keep making BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. THAT’S BILLION WITH A ‘B’. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BIIIIILLLLLLLLION!!!
The critics seem to think that just because I have BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DOHHHHLLLLLLARS that I have some sort of duty to help the people of the world be safer, be more prosperous, and be more enlightened.
THPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. blah blah blah, whine, whine, whine. Gimme a break with your crybaby bullshit. If you could think for yourself, then it would be easy to figure out that when I have $52B, that means the rest of the people in the world DON'T have $52B. duh. It’s easy math. So by definition, I virtually leave the world more poor. And along with my other three comma club members, by not lifting a finger, we also make it less safe. Therefore the people of the world stay in the same shitty unaware state in which they were born.
Don’t ever blame me though. Don’t you dare. You’re the one who chooses. You’re the one who makes the decisions every single day of your life. If you want someone to blame, then look in the mirror. Look in the mirror at yourself and your broke ass checking account. Keep doing what you’re doing. Because it means I get to look in the mirror and see my beautiful face and my even more beautiful $52 BILLON DOLLAR stock portfolio grow more and more and more and more every day.
Thank you, Happy Holidays, and Good night, suckers, eh, I mean loyal Facebookers!
WARNING: THIS ESSAY WAS SATIRE. IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THEN I WAS SUCCESSFUL IN KEEPING YOUR ATTENTION FOR A FEW MINUTES. BUT JUST IN CASE THERE IS ANY QUESTION LEFT IN YOUR MIND, ZUCK DIDN’T WRITE THIS ESSAY. BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT SOME OF WHAT WAS WRITTEN ISN’T PARTIALLY VIRTUALLY TRUE. IN OTHER WORDS, JOKES BASED ON TRUTH ARE THE BEST JOKES. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
My name is Dae Yu.