Hello world, Mark Zuckerberg here. I wanted to personally thank you for making Facebook what it is today. The holidays are right around the corner and without your daily active use of the site, we wouldn’t have gotten to where we are today. So I am very thankful this year. There are about 1.8 BILLION daily active users of Facebook these days! I can hardly believe it.
Oh, by the way, in case you don’t know who I am, I am one of the co-founders of Facebook. I am one of the many people who have made BILLIONS OF DOLLARS by giving you free and unlimited access to Facebook. In November 2016, Google search will tell you I am worth $52B. That’s not a typo. That means I could spend $1,000,000 a day for the rest of my life, and if I live to be 100yrs old, I would still have over $27B left in my checking account. ($27.18B to be exact, but who’s counting?)
Now there has been some criticism lately of the so-called “fake news” that has been all over Facebook and the Internet. I want to be perfectly clear, it’s not exactly fake news. It’s actually completely totally fraudulent news that evil people looking for profits have created. And Facebook and Internet users, (aka suckers - that’s you guys) have fallen for it, over and over and over again. You guys get tricked into reading, sharing, and believing stupid shit ALL THE TIME. Some blame Facebook for not filtering out the fraudulent misleading news reports and I wanted to give my full, careful, and detailed response to the critics.
Here it is:
Who gives a shit! GFY. I got $52,000,000,000 in the bank, yo! Why would I give a shit about fraudulent news that is misleading people and causing them to get angry, and making the world more divisive and shitty when I got $52,000,000,000 in the bank, bitches? I AM A FIFTY-TWO BILLIONAIRE, YO. That means the normal rules don’t apply to me. Through my unlimited resources, I have more money than most countries in the world. And it’s all thanks to the virulent, addictive, unreasonable, and constant proliferation of whatever “news" is spread via the internet and through Facebook.
But just so you know, for public relations, I am putting on an appearance of doing something to make Facebook better in light of recent criticisms. I want to introduce you to my crackerjack team of security and fraud engineers in this top secret room. They are actively working to semi-mitigate the fraudulent news appearing on Facebook. Here is Dillhole. Say hi Dillhole.
“So Dillhole, what are you working on today?"
"I’m playing Farmville!"
Because you know what that means? It means I’m making mo’ money, mo’ money!, mo’ money from this Dillhole while he’s playing Farmville on Facebook. God, I love America! What I have co-founded is BETTER than Las Vegas if you could ever believe it. But instead of millions of people who go to Vegas every year who don’t know how to do math, there are BILLIONS of people who are born every day who don’t know how to exercise good judgement and think critically, and don’t know how to stop using Facebook - and you know what that means? I keep making BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. THAT’S BILLION WITH A ‘B’. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BIIIIILLLLLLLLION!!!
The critics seem to think that just because I have BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DOHHHHLLLLLLARS that I have some sort of duty to help the people of the world be safer, be more prosperous, and be more enlightened.
THPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. blah blah blah, whine, whine, whine. Gimme a break with your crybaby bullshit. If you could think for yourself, then it would be easy to figure out that when I have $52B, that means the rest of the people in the world DON'T have $52B. duh. It’s easy math. So by definition, I virtually leave the world more poor. And along with my other three comma club members, by not lifting a finger, we also make it less safe. Therefore the people of the world stay in the same shitty unaware state in which they were born.
Don’t ever blame me though. Don’t you dare. You’re the one who chooses. You’re the one who makes the decisions every single day of your life. If you want someone to blame, then look in the mirror. Look in the mirror at yourself and your broke ass checking account. Keep doing what you’re doing. Because it means I get to look in the mirror and see my beautiful face and my even more beautiful $52 BILLON DOLLAR stock portfolio grow more and more and more and more every day.
Thank you, Happy Holidays, and Good night, suckers, eh, I mean loyal Facebookers!
WARNING: THIS ESSAY WAS SATIRE. IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THEN I WAS SUCCESSFUL IN KEEPING YOUR ATTENTION FOR A FEW MINUTES. BUT JUST IN CASE THERE IS ANY QUESTION LEFT IN YOUR MIND, ZUCK DIDN’T WRITE THIS ESSAY. BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT SOME OF WHAT WAS WRITTEN ISN’T PARTIALLY VIRTUALLY TRUE. IN OTHER WORDS, JOKES BASED ON TRUTH ARE THE BEST JOKES. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
Sometimes, (not all the time*) being in a new business, like an internet startup is like smashing your forehead onto a spike on your desk every day. Except it's more like every hour. And once out of the twenty four times a day, it randomly turns out to be the softest, most comforting, most amazing, welcoming, and most compassionate pillowy landing you could ever imagine in usually a brutal world of brutal brutality.
*the rest of the time it's a grind. a pure, unadulterated, unrelenting, never ending grind.
My name is Dae Yu.